Merry Christmas

As the holidays are finally here, everyone is coming home. People I haven't seen since graduation, since I visited them last, or since they left the country. When I graduated high school, I accepted that that day would most likely be the last time I was truly friends with a lot of those people. It is crazy how quickly people are influenced, and how easily people change. As people are coming home from school, it is clear that they have changed, some for the better, some for worse, and some I just can't tell which it is. Since I didn't leave yet, and i'm still in the same town, i've grown close to certain people and I can say that I am now happier than I probably ever was in highschool, because the friends that I have now, are ones that I am close with not because we had class together, or went to school over the years, but because we have true connections for deeper reasons than school can provide. Some I work with, some i've met through other people, and a small handful are from my high school. I have also come to realize that no matter what, my family is there for me. They will always be. Friends come and go in phases, but family is there, all day, every day of the year, no matter what. Yes there are fights, and arguments, but without a doubt in my mind, they are who I would chose to be around at the end of the day. When I was in high school, my social life trumped everything, and looking back on it, those people that I spent time with, we don't even text anymore, let alone actually have a face to face conversation. I put them first over everyone else, and it was wrong of me. With the holidays here and everyone being home, it made me realize who my true friends are, and what matters to me most. For those of you reading this, do me a favor. Call your parents, or even text them. Tell them how you feel, and how much they mean to you. You never know when everything can change, and you can never say "I love you" too many times, to the people that mean the most.

I am so thankful for everything I have. I am lucky and blessed. I have two loving married parents, a brother that I can look up to, a beautiful sister, and a healthy, hyper, handsome brother. My dog is adorable, and I have the best room mate anyone could ask for, my nana. I have a full time job as well as a seasonal job at my favorite retail store. Within the next 3 months, my dreams and aspirations will be coming true. I am FINALLY 18. I have more money in my bank than I ever had, and i've worked hard to earn every penny. There is someone in my life that words can't describe the happiness i have just being around him. The holidays always remind me of how lucky I am, and how I should try to be positive about life and the situation it brings. Not everyday is going to be a great day, but in every day it is possible to find a reason to smile. When I have what seems like the worst day ever, and nothing seems to go right. At 2 am, all it takes is a hot chocolate with little baby marshmellows, and a certain someone to turn it all around. This holiday season, I want everyone reading this, to think of what they are thankful for, to reflect on the year passed, have no regrets, learn from your mistakes, and find whatever makes you happy, or whoever makes you happy, and be with them. Life is only traveled once. Today's moments become tomorrows memories. So make sure you are making good memories, with good people. Have a very merry christmas, happy hanukah; festivus; belated eid, and a great winter solstice too.

The Pearly Gates

Have you ever thought about how you're going to go? By go, I mean leave this world, this life that you are currently living. Have you ever thought of going to a psychic to try and find out? I was thinking about it, and an one hand, if you always thought about death, it would kind of screw you up. On the other hand, knowing when you are going to go could kind of help you, couldn't it? You would know you could survive everything else.

I've always wondered about how it would all end for me. And who decides how it happens? Who picks and chooses who makes it to 93; who doesn't even graduate highschool; who doesn't even leave the hospital? Why do some get cancer, some have car accidents, some just go with time? Is it possible to 'cheat' death? Is there such thing as being at the wrong place at the wrong time? Is there a 'plan' for everyone, or does everything just happen? Do some people leave this earth, to teach us a lesson? Does everything happen for a reason? These questions fill my brain quite often. With no clear answer in sight.

I've never been a religious person, but I have been baptized and confirmed. My dads anglican, and my mom is catholic. My mom has a very close relationship to God, but I struggle with the idea. I think the bible has some great stories, but I am uncertain as to how true they are. Even if they aren't true, and you take out the religion, the bible has good morals and good lessons to learn. Its just about your interpretation of the stories.

I have never really believed in the typical "Heaven & Hell". I just can't imagine dying, seeing Jesus guide me to the white light, and then being greeted by God at the big pearly gates up on cloud 9. I'm sure i'd be greeted by the red devils in the burning inferno anyways! I just find that what most people consider heaven and hell its just too much of a dramatic story, and I don't buy it. To the people reading this, that DO believe in heaven and hell and you plan on being greeted at the pearly gates, all the power to you! I can see how other people can believe that they are headed there and that is what they are going to see, and I have no issue with them or their opinions. Mine just differ.

I think that when you die, you go to your happy place. Wherever you like. The world stays the same, just the people change. You are now in the after life, with everyone else that has passed before you. You aren't in any pain, you look the same, just healthier. For me, I would be on a beach in Key West Florida, waiting for Jimmy Buffet, having a drink in Margaritaville singing "Its 5 O'Clock Somewhere". I'd be relaxing and watching over my family in friends, without a worry in the world. For some people, they would be playing video games with the newest most hi-tech systems, not waiting until midnight for the new game to come out, because they would have it already. They'd be drinking Dr.Pepper, singing Come Sail Away, and be free from pain. They would be in a better place.

For those of you reading this and thinking, "that is ridiculous!". I'm okay with that! There is no way of ever know what happens once you go, this is just what i'm hoping for. I am in no way ready to leave this world, I have so many plans and adventures that I want to experience. Who knows if my plan is the true plan that my life has set..

So because no one knows when their last day will be.. dance in the rain; learn to play piano; start a blog; get a job at your favorite store just for the staff discount; call your parents just to say hi; treat yourself; wear matching outfits as your siblings (even though you are 18+); eat the chocolate cake with extra icing; tell someone off; skydive; take naps; laugh at a corny joke; make a bucket list; drive hours just to visit someone for a night; put family first; backpack europe; get drunk at a country concert; learn a new language; go on a date with someone who isn't your 'type'; make a scrapbook; say please & thank you; kiss the unkissed; hug the unhugged; love the unloved; because at the end of the day, its your life and you should live it the way you want to. In twenty years time, you'll be more disappointed by the things you didn't do, than the ones you did.

And always, always remember ..

"We're here for a good time, not a long time. So have a good time, the sun can't shine everyday. And the sun is shinin' in this rainy city. And the sun is shinin', isn't it a pity? That every year, has its share of tears, every now and then its gotta rain. We're here for a good time, not a long time. So have a good time, the sun can't shine everyday."

- Trooper 

"I found our fourth child, if God is willing and you are"

Everything you are about to read is a true story, of how my family fell in love, and adopted my brother. Its quite a long story, but its one that I love to tell. This was the article that made the Toronto Star on Friday, August 13th, 2010. This is the story of Jonathan Alcirin Smith.

'Earthquake had a silver lining for waiting orphan'

Jonathan Smith loves popcorn and drive-in movies, can eat an entire steak himself and ride a tricycle.
He’s got a mommy and daddy, shares a bedroom with a sister and says, “I love you” in perfect English. These are some of the new experiences in the 4-year-old’s life since he left Haiti in the first days after an earthquake ravaged his country Jan. 12.
What a journey it has been — from the cement floor of a homeless shelter to a cash-strapped orphanage to the comforts of a Canadian home.
Jonathan is one of 203 Haitian orphans adopted by Canadian families — many like the Smiths who had been working for years within the maddeningly slow Haiti system — since the earthquake. Only 10 came to Ontario, with the largest number going to Quebec.
Vincenza Smith first set eyes on Jonathan at a medical clinic in Port-au-Prince in 2007. “His skin looked like he’d been chewed by rats.”
Smith had gone to Haiti with a Niagara Falls Brethren in Christ church group to build homes and community buildings. Working in the clinic where she helped a pharmacist distribute medication, she met Jonathan and his 12-year-old mother
They lived in a homeless shelter where they slept on a cement floor. There was no running water or plumbing and Jonathan had a skin infection from lying naked on the dirty floor, says Smith.
Although he was provided with new clothes, they soon disappeared, says Smith, “probably sold to buy food.
Smith hadn’t the slightest intention of adopting when she embarked on her two-week mission. “I went down there wanting to help,” she recalls tearing in her Port Colborne living room.
“I thought maybe I’ll build a house, give someone a quality of life, “she says. “We have so much in Canada that we take for granted.”
But when she learned that Jonathan was being given up for adoption by his young mother, herself a child with no home or supports, Smith thought “I want that child.”
(Jonathan’s mother lived in the charity-run homeless shelter until it was destroyed by the earthquake and hasn’t been heard from since.)
The chef, who is married to real estate agent Michael and mother to Nicholas, 19, Carlie, 16 and Julia, 7, got the her family’s approval before moving ahead to get Jonathan.
Michael got an email that said, “I found our fourth child if God is willing and you are.”
He talked it over with the two older children and they were all in favour.
What followed was three years of waiting, paperwork, home studies and the collapse of the agency they’d been using for the international adoption. The orphanage asked them to send $100 a month to feed Jonathan as more and more children kept arriving and the adoptions were few.
Sometimes Smith agonized “it was not meant to be.” She didn’t go on a subsequent trip to Haiti with her church group because she couldn’t handle the pain of seeing the child who might never be hers.
Their case had just been revived when the earthquake struck and suddenly what was a slow-moving process jumped ahead at warp speed. It’s ironic that the earthquake had some “good,” says the family.
Although the Canadian government initiated Operation Stork to fast-track the adoptions of Haitian orphans already matched with parents and approved for adoption, Jonathan left Haiti in an evacuation by the American military that landed him in Florida.
Once the mix-up was discovered, the Smiths received approval to pick up Jonathan in the U.S. where they were on holiday with Julia and Nicholas.
There are signs of his difficult early years including a fear of military-style uniforms, being alone and abandonment.
One of Jonathan’s first North American experiences was a trip to Disneyland where he loved the attractions but reacted strongly to security guards or “anything that appears to be military,” says Smith. They presume this is a result of having been taken from the orphanage by military personnel.
He also didn’t want to have anything to do with his newly-decorated bedroom, vacated when Nicholas went off to university.
“I’d put a stuffed tiger on the bed,” says Smith, “I thought at first it had scared him. But, he was used to living with 15 to 20 people.”
So, they bought another single bed and popped him into Julia’s room. The two siblings are so close in age they’ve made wonderful playmates, says Smith.
In the early days after his arrival, Jonathan also suffered separation anxiety when any member of the family left.
He found it difficult to watch Julia “get on the yellow school bus” to go to school, says Michael. “If I went out to get a paper, he was in a panic.”
The couple worked at giving Jonathan a sense of permanence and an understanding that, if people go out of the house, they are not gone forever.
“I would go to work and come back every two hours,” to reassure him, says Michael.
Smith has taken a year’s leave from work to spend time with Jonathan while he adjusts to Canada.
Jonathan arrived only speaking Creole — a mixture of French and Spanish – but quickly picked up English from Smith, who armed herself with a Haitian dictionary “which was my best friend for the first four months of our time together”.
“Jonathan was like a sponge. Whenever I spoke to him, I would repeat the word in English. This past month I have not used any Creole or French.”
He’s getting ready to go to all-day kindergarten in the fall at the same school Julia attends and Smith is confident he’s got the English skills to thrive there.
Jonathan has fallen into a familiar routine, Smith says. The two youngest children start the day by making their beds and putting dirty laundry in the hamper. Other chores include setting the table and clearing the dishes.
“He enjoys watching Dora, Calliou and Barney,” says Smith, adding that he spends afternoons in the family pool where he is learning to swim.
“He was hesitant at first but now he goes under water, down the slide and jumps off the diving board.”
He’s doing all the typical summer activities enjoyed by any Canadian child from riding his bike and drawing pictures on the driveway to hide-and-seek. He got a remote control car for his fourth birthday in July, says Smith, which is his “favourite” toy so far.
During the interview, the two youngest are inseparable, buzzing around their parents in the living room before guzzling a yogurt drink and happily going off to watch a movie and eat popcorn.
Nicholas, who was used to playing with his much-younger little sister, says he adjusted to Jonathan quickly. One thing Nicholas noticed is that, although he was affectionate and liked to cuddle, “he didn’t know how to hug.”
He’s been teaching Jonathan to hang onto to him monkey-style with his legs and arms while being carried about on Nicholas’ hip.

Photo taken by me!

Says Smith, “We’ll be out grocery shopping, or doing something, and he’ll grab my hand and give it a kiss and say, “Mommy, I love you” just out of the blue, completely unexpected. He definitely welcomes all our hugs and kisses, too.”
And best of all, says Smith, “He’s really a happy-go-lucky kid.”

TGINT

TGINT = Thank God Its Not Tuesday.
Tuesdays are normally my day off, and i swear to you, nothing good ever happens on Tuesdays. Here are a few examples, all in just one lovely Tuesday.

So as you might have noticed.. I haven't updated in a while.. Why you might ask? Oh, simple answer. My laptop screen internally broke. Right along with my heart as it happened! To top that off, its $300 to fix a screen.. on a laptop that was $900, three years ago. This is absolutely ridiculous. Luckily, i'm just so tech savvy that I hooked up my laptop to a separate screen, and VOILA.. this is how its gonna be til boxing day. Then ill get my brand new baby <3. Cannot wait.

This whole situation was just a series of unfortunate events last Tuesday. Tuesday was my only day off this week, and a friend of mine had asked me to go to the movies that night. I was hesitant as it was my ONLY night off, and wasn't sure what I wanted to do that night. I ended up saying yes and we had planned on going to the late show to see Harold & Kumars christmas movie. So right around 8pm, i had finished getting ready, (he wanted to hang out before the movie too, hence why so early). I text him saying, "are we still on for tonight?" within just a few short minutes I get the text saying "can't, family situation"... in other words, "no I made better plans". Normally this wouldn't bother me as much as it did, but Tuesday was about the 5th day in a row that I made plans with someone, and they completely bailed without an apology or reason. REALLY?! yes. This basically set me off instantly. At the time, I had a friend over, who I was going to drive home and then go to the movies, so as I'm driving him home, we were going to hang out because I had been ditched that night.. but of course, he bailed too. BIG SURPRISE. No biggy, we made plans then for the next night, and he said he would make it up to me... The next night I get off of work, and text him saying i'm off and to text me when he got to my house.. No reply for about 10 hours.. His excuse was that he fell asleep cause he wasn't feeling good. I swear to god, if i wasn't mad enough, by this point i was outraged. I would love to know why people make plans, if they are going to bail. Every. Single. Time. It gets old, and i'm sick of it. When you make plans with someone and ditch you are basically saying that your time is more valuable and important then theirs. Friend of the year. Tuesdays are not my friend.

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Moving on... My birthday is in just less then a week, on December 7th. I am the kind of person that LOVES birthdays, probably my favorite day of the year. Unfortunately, most of my good, true friends, are either away at school, or in another country. As it stands, on my actual birthday I am working both jobs, and am probably hanging out with no one. So if anyone is reading this and would like to take me out for my birthday, or anytime next week for the sake of my birthday, I am more than happy to come out! If not, it will easily be the shittiest birthday ever.

Sorry this ones so negative, but I have had THE shittiest week I've had in a long time, and the only person that came close to cheering me up, was someone that came into work, and said "not to be creepy, but i read your blog".. So if you are reading this, (I will call you 'Vincenzo' as a code name:).. Thank you.

This Too Shall Pass

Everything in life, is just a phase. The good times, the hard times, the ugly outfits, the highschool rumors, the boyfriends, the girlfriends, the best friends, the moods, everything, its just a phase. I am currently in a phase, that I am not enjoying. Working full time, everyday, seeing no one, not even family, waking up, shower, work, shower, sleep, eat, repeat. It gets old, really fast. After talking to my dad, he helped to clarify things for me. This part in my life, is just a stepping stone, to achieve my future goals. Do I love what i'm doing right now? NO. If I don't get through this right now, can I achieve future goals? Probably not. I just have to grin and get through this, and it'll all be okay. For other people, sitting at a computer, staring at their facebook screen, pressing the 'home' button, to refresh a page that hasn't changed in the past 32 seconds.. I feel your pain. Working full time, limits a social life, but i'm okay with that, because in a years time, I won't be sitting anywhere near a laptop screen or a facebook page, because I will be out loving life and following my dream. So this phase will past.. just gotta get past it.

Another phase.. Boyfriends. I recently got out of a relationship that lasted on and off for about a year and a half. That was another phase in my life, one with ups and downs. I can't, and won't bash my ex, because he is genuinely a good guy. Probably one of the sweetest guys I've ever met.. Your probably trying to figure out why we broke up. I guess sometimes people just change and you can't mesh anymore.. Opposites attract, but sometimes they repel after a while. We just have different goals, and second time round, seemed more like a best friend, than a boyfriend. I still love him to death, but it just wasn't meant to be. Lesson learned would be that you can't hang on to something because of what you want it to be. It is what it is, and you've got to live with that. He was a phase in my life that was great, and I will most definitely miss him when I'm gone.

What i'm trying to say, is that everything is a phase, so you might not love what you are doing, but it too shall pass. Just like if you are enjoying something in your life, then truly enjoy it, because you don't know how long it will last, or when it will end. If its not okay, its not then end. 

This Too Shall Pass.

6,529 days

Happy 6,529th day of living to me!! Where has the time gone? At such a young age of 17, i've already lived so many days, done so many things, and met so many people. As my 18th birthday is arriving I've really been thinking about who I am, and what I want to do in my life. How am I going to live every day to the fullest? Currently, I spend my days working, in the past, i've spent my days partying, and in the future I hope to spend my days traveling. I made a bucket list a few years ago, and have already accomplished a handful of the adventures. I don't want to be the type of person that sits in a cubicle everyday, punching numbers, working 9-5 and just getting by with the bills, so that when I turn 60, I can then travel and see the world. No, that is just not me. I am the one, who at 17, is ready to venture out into the big bad world with just a few bucks and a backpack, and explore. When I come home, I can decide what I want to be. I have no interest in growing up, and paying bills. I just want to have fun, and worry about reality and all that good stuff later. Upon graduating highschool I decided that I would definitely not be applying to schools, and that I would be pursuing my dreams of traveling. What helped me get there was an unfortunate situation. From this, I was quickly shown that you never know when everything can end, so follow your dreams now, don't wait.

A little over a year ago, I lost a very close friend of mine to cancer. He was at the young age of 16 at the time. So young. I feel like he didn't have the opportunity to do everything he wanted, or be who he wanted to be. Since he passed, I really took a different turn in my life and from then on, I decided that I would do my best to remind the people i love, that they mean the world.. to thank people for everything they do.. to smile and be positive even when things seem tough.. to give people a second chance, because youll never know when it will be the last time you see that person. From such a tough situation, he made me a better person. People have always said that things happen for a reason, the tough part, is waiting to find out the reason, or never knowing it at all.

From the Broadway musical Rent, the song 525,600 minutes, is a perfect way to think about your life in minutes, or however you want to measure it.

"In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love."

There is Nothing Worse

I've come to realize, for me at least, there is nothing worse than disappointing someone you love. When someone invests time, effort and love and then you just go ahead and disappoint them, its such a bitter feeling. I have been raised with many good values, and I am very close to my parents. One of the things they have taught me, is to never burn bridges. You never know who will be in your future, or when you might need them again. No matter how much you hate your job, your school, your current situation, don't go and burn that bridge. Today, I burned a bridge. At my job, I put in my two weeks, and I had 2 shifts left, one this morning, and my last one tomorrow. At this job, you aren't aloud to have any strange colours in your hair. After putting in my two weeks, and before seeing my next schedule, i put a little bit of purple in my hair. Not my whole head, just a few streaks. But there is no grey areas in the rules at my job, and there is definitely no purple either. I worked a shift a few days ago, and my boss hadn't noticed, or didn't mind.. I was unsure at the time. Today, however, was different. I went in for about an hour of my shift, and then was told to change it or leave. I knew that it was a risk to make.. and unfortunately, didn't work out in my favor. I have met some amazing people from this job, and have truly had some good times. I appreciate the business and what it has done for me, and am hoping that in the future they will look back on my work and what I had done and achieved there, instead of my leaving note. With that being said, I also believe that they will most likely remember the sour grape taste I left in their mouth. I have no one to blame but myself, and it was a long, quiet, upsetting drive home, to say the least. I called the person that I am the closest with, and there came the disappointment. It was bad enough to be disappointed with yourself, but it just made me sick that I had disappointed him too. I know I can't change the past, and there is no point in dwelling on it, but I feel bad, and most definitely have learned from my mistake. For anyone reading this.. take my advice, leave your job on a good note, thank them for what they have done for you, and if you plan on burning that bridge, you better be a damn good swimmer.

Place to Start

Not really sure how to start this... I guess a Hello would do it. Or bonjour, ciao, hola, depending on where you're coming from. I'm not 100% certain as to why I am writing, I guess I would say I like meeting new people, and sharing common thoughts. This will sort of be my public diary to share with the world. Here goes... Ill start by introducing myself.. my name is Carlie Smith and I am a secondary school graduate in Ontario, Canada.  My co-workers and friends would describe me as being very outgoing and bubbly. I am a very hard worker and can set my eyes on a goal, then work as hard as I can to achieve that goal. I decided upon completing my secondary education that prior to applying for college or university that I would prefer to pursue my love of traveling and photography. Last year I spent three months living in Madrid, Spain on a student exchange and it was an amazing life experience. I not only picked up on some of the spanish language, but I learned a lot about myself as well as the culture of Spain. When I was in grade 7, my family moved to Minehead, England because of my fathers career. We lived in Minehead for a year, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I love England and have been itching to get back since the day I left! I currently live just a short 30 minute drive from Niagara Falls, where I spent my summer working. I am now working full time in my town as a sandwhich artist, and saving up to get outta here to pursue my goal of living in europe. My favorite things in the world, are traveling, photography and country music. Put all three together, and thats probably what heaven looks like for me. Im a pretty sarcastic gal, and love being the life of the party. I generally try to be a positive person, but sometimes life just gives you lemon and you don't always have the other ingredients to make a nice lemonade. I guess this sums it up for now. Until next time, sweet dreams. xo